Mark Pepper's Lantern Lights #5

You Shop Too Much
and Your Customer Skills Suck
For the past ten years I’ve had the unfortunate experience of working some variation of a retail sales job. If I could calculate the number of times I’ve scanned a barcode or offered the insincere and rote “Thanks and have a nice day,” I would probably deteriorate into a fetal position where my tears would flow like the wasted dollars of our consumption obsessed American economy. If I pondered the number of times my hands have gone through the robotic motions of opening plastic bags and plucking filthy change from a register, I’d probably pull a HAL and try to kill any human whom got in my way. Anyway, this week I gave notice at my most recent retail employer, and with any luck, this departure symbolizes the end of my retail sojourn. It hasn’t been all bad (I’ve never had to ask if someone wanted fries with that), but anytime you can escape from serving the relentless and unsympathetic doltness of your average shopper, a little smiley face should overcome your tired and prostituted soul (who cares if my immediate future looks like the teaching of freshman composition…the pay is better and nobody ever pulls a sweaty and wrinkled dollar bill out of their brazier).

Facts are I’ve never been exactly warm and fuzzy about the current condition of man/womankind. Adam Sandler movies continue to do box-office millions, a one second flash of breast at the superbowl is found more appalling to more people than American Idol episodes, Oprah’s about to make Prozac poppin’ Midwest mommies read Tolstoy for kicks, and Hillary Duff is covering Go-Go’s songs. If these aren’t end days I don’t wanna be around when they come for real. But as stupid, self-absorbed, rude, and ultimately clueless that most people are, for some reason these qualities reach their zenith when those people enter stores, gather product, and approach cash registers. If you want to see people at their most dim, simply work retail for a week or two.

Before I continue, let me offer one of my many patented ways to make the post-modern world a better place. First, make all teenagers work retail for their first jobs. Nobody is allowed to escape the thankless levels of hell that Dante never got around to mentioning. If everyone has to do retail at some point, hopefully a lifetime of empathy will be fostered, and the future generation of retail workers will be spared. This might sound optimistic, but experience tells me differently. The most efficient and polite customers I’ve ever met have all worked extensively in retail themselves. Perhaps an analogous example to demonstrate— I occasionally meet people who’ve lived in Ohio (I spent about a year there once) and when they tell other people about this, they merely take it as autobiographical information. I, however, know their pain first hand and we nod at each other with the understanding gesture of ex-cell mates meeting outside of prison.

Further, in a move similar to jury duty, certain people should occasionally have to go perform “retail duty” at periodic points in their lives. Whom exactly is open for debate. Perhaps a retail clerk of good standing could report offenders to some board after a particularly rude encounter (yeah, hi, retail board? Yeah this lawyer asshole had a two hundred dollar power lunch and only tipped five freaking dollars! Give him two weeks at the Foster’s Freeze). Advertising agents are just a given– give ‘em duty every six months– they are the sweat on Satan’s balls and a taste of humanity would be good for them. Give them a month swabbing the floors of Suzie’s video booths and giving change to the hairy palmed brethren that visit them.

That said, I offer the top three things you can do to be a better customer. They are culled from my decade of experience and nobody is probably going to admit to being guilty of any one of them. That’s called ego, folks, and the quicker you get over it the better (at the very least you’ll be closer to understanding Timothy Leary). We’re all probably guilty of these things at some point, but like anything, awareness and practice leads to perfection.

#3 At Least Try to Do Things Yourself
This is in the name of good ol’ self sufficiency, which I realize in the era of having iPods, ATMs, Super Wal-Marts, and illegal immigrant housekeepers, isn’t exactly in vogue. Especially if a store is small, would it hurt you to look around to see if what you want is there before wasting some clerk’s time by asking them the second you walk in the door? Most stores try to be organized, so if you’re looking for the new Avril Lavigne record, why not try something radical and look under the “L” section. And if you don’t find it there? Well, maybe, just maybe, you could look under “A” just in case. If I have to explain why, there is no hope for you and suicide is a sin only if you deserve to live. Another thing– most items in most stores have the prices marked on them. This is not decoration or some artistic decision on the layout designer’s part. The price is there so you can get that small but ultimately rewarding sensation of figuring the fuck out how much something costs without having to ask a clerk. You’re putting the clerk in a no win situation. If they politely tell you then they’re compromising their God-given right to not have to state the obvious. If they reply; “I don’t know, what does the price on it say?” (which I can’t help but to do), then you’re going to think they’re a sarcastic asshole when really you’re just either lazy, dumb, or some presedentially dangerous combination of both.

#2 Leave the Cell Phone in Your Pocket
Have you seen the people at video stores, cell phones glued to their ears, whom browse the aisles and announce every potential movie selection to their invisible audience? First, you look stupid, but considering the ever growing popularity of hip-hop fashion, this is obviously not a big enough deterrent. Two things. If someone you know or love wants something from the store, find out what it is before you go. Preferably ask them in person. It’s just a suggestion, but something interesting happens when you actually communicate to someone face to face . . . it’s called communication. I’ve heard plenty of random cell phone conversation and most of it is the “running log of what I’m doing right now and what I’ll be doing in the next ten minutes” variety. Unless you’re a contracted killer or a worker in the sex industry, your little commentary isn’t nearly as interesting as you think it is. If you think others are obsessed with the minutia of your life, go start a freaking web blog. At least the rest of us can ignore that (but keep visiting clubcourtyard.com).

Second, if someone you know or love wants a particular movie or something from any store, why not take them with you? True, most people are a complete drag to hang out with, but unless it’s a family member, you did choose them, and Thom Yorke put it best when he said; “You do it to yourself, you, you and no one else.” True, now the clerk is going to have to listen to the inane conversation you two pursue around the store (please stop saying “I’m Rick James bitch!” You’re not Chappelle, you’re not funny, and how come nobody quotes Airplane anymore? Now that was funny), but at least then us clerks can hear both side of the inanity. It will make the story easier to tell when we go home and mock you to our significant others.

#1 There is No Excuse Not to Be Prepared
Listen, if we’re going to be a world where speed is valued for the sake of speed alone, you’d think this would hold true in every area of public life. Why then do most of you slow down to the speed of Dick Cheney’s heart without robotic assistance once you reach a cash register? You are approaching the cash register for one purpose—to pay for your items. There are no surprises coming, you’re not about to be quizzed on quantum physics, you’re not going to be bartering, you’re simply suppose to pay for goods and services about to be rendered. And you’re not alone. The five people in front of you, and the five people behind you, all need to do the same thing in order to get back to their own self absorbed and pathetically empty existences. So would it hurt to be ready for the meeting with your friendly, local cash handler? If you’re paying by credit card, have it out and ready in your grubby little hand. When you’re asked if you’d like cash back, don’t act like you’ve just been asked your opinion on the economic trade standing of Guam. It’s a yes or no question and if you’d already taken two seconds in your day to assess what you might be doing, you’d already know if you needed money or not. If you’re paying cash, have that out and ready too. I don’t want to watch you pat your pockets for the location of your wallet, or rummage through a purse full of receipts, gum wrappers, lipsticks, and the Lindbergh baby, just to find that twenty dollar bill that you swear “is in here somewhere.” You should have done this already. You were standing in line waiting your turn. Why not use that time to make check out speedy and efficient instead of daydreaming about the awesome storage capacity of your freaking iPod?

In a similar vein, do not ever, ever, ever, ever, pay with change. Making exact change is anal, slow, and only reveals your lack of education when it takes you thirty seconds to figure out which coins go together to make sixty-five cents. Always use bills, collect your change in your pocket, and at the end of the day throw it into a coffee can or some other receptacle. Then, cash all your change in once a year. You’ll be surprised how much money you have which has basically been forgotten about and is now ready for guilt free burning.
Immediately donate it to charity and leave me the fuck alone.

Till next time . . . it looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.

Lantern Lights #1

Lantern Lights #2

Lantern Lights #3

Lantern Lights #4

You Shop Too Much
and Your Customer Skills Suck
For the past ten years I’ve had the unfortunate experience of working some variation of a retail sales job. If I could calculate the number of times I’ve scanned a barcode or offered the insincere and rote “Thanks and have a nice day,” I would probably deteriorate into a fetal position where my tears would flow like the wasted dollars of our consumption obsessed American economy. If I pondered the number of times my hands have gone through the robotic motions of opening plastic bags and plucking filthy change from a register, I’d probably pull a HAL and try to kill any human whom got in my way. Anyway, this week I gave notice at my most recent retail employer, and with any luck, this departure symbolizes the end of my retail sojourn. It hasn’t been all bad (I’ve never had to ask if someone wanted fries with that), but anytime you can escape from serving the relentless and unsympathetic doltness of your average shopper, a little smiley face should overcome your tired and prostituted soul (who cares if my immediate future looks like the teaching of freshman composition…the pay is better and nobody ever pulls a sweaty and wrinkled dollar bill out of their brazier).

Facts are I’ve never been exactly warm and fuzzy about the current condition of man/womankind. Adam Sandler movies continue to do box-office millions, a one second flash of breast at the superbowl is found more appalling to more people than American Idol episodes, Oprah’s about to make Prozac poppin’ Midwest mommies read Tolstoy for kicks, and Hillary Duff is covering Go-Go’s songs. If these aren’t end days I don’t wanna be around when they come for real. But as stupid, self-absorbed, rude, and ultimately clueless that most people are, for some reason these qualities reach their zenith when those people enter stores, gather product, and approach cash registers. If you want to see people at their most dim, simply work retail for a week or two.

Before I continue, let me offer one of my many patented ways to make the post-modern world a better place. First, make all teenagers work retail for their first jobs. Nobody is allowed to escape the thankless levels of hell that Dante never got around to mentioning. If everyone has to do retail at some point, hopefully a lifetime of empathy will be fostered, and the future generation of retail workers will be spared. This might sound optimistic, but experience tells me differently. The most efficient and polite customers I’ve ever met have all worked extensively in retail themselves. Perhaps an analogous example to demonstrate— I occasionally meet people who’ve lived in Ohio (I spent about a year there once) and when they tell other people about this, they merely take it as autobiographical information. I, however, know their pain first hand and we nod at each other with the understanding gesture of ex-cell mates meeting outside of prison.

Further, in a move similar to jury duty, certain people should occasionally have to go perform “retail duty” at periodic points in their lives. Whom exactly is open for debate. Perhaps a retail clerk of good standing could report offenders to some board after a particularly rude encounter (yeah, hi, retail board? Yeah this lawyer asshole had a two hundred dollar power lunch and only tipped five freaking dollars! Give him two weeks at the Foster’s Freeze). Advertising agents are just a given– give ‘em duty every six months– they are the sweat on Satan’s balls and a taste of humanity would be good for them. Give them a month swabbing the floors of Suzie’s video booths and giving change to the hairy palmed brethren that visit them.